Cassey is attracted to emotionally distant men. She knows this but can not seem to resist the pull. She is always trying to make her relationship work with emotionally numb people. You might think- Why is she drawn to such men? The answer to this is that she is driven by her shadow self and, doing shadow work is the only way to break free.
What is a shadow?
Shadow is the hidden part of our personality that takes root in our shame and guilt. It’s a part of us that we deny, don’t know and don’t like about ourselves.
What is shadow work?
Shadow work brings the hidden parts of our personality to the surface. And, this helps us in developing a relationship with them and heal them.
What are the benefits of doing shadow work?
- Better relationships
- Break from an old subconscious pattern
- Enhanced ability to make a better choice in different situations
- More vitality
- We feel more in alignment
- Helps in taking responsibility for ourself
How do we know our shadows?
- When you react to a trait in others that you fail to see in yourself,
ask yourself: Whom do I judge the most?
- The shadow has a way of erupting through our slip of tongue and dark humour.
Question to ask yourself: What do I wish I could say but cannot? When have I shown an inappropriate reaction to another person’s mistake?
- Our shadow disguises itself in our addictions.
Questions to ask ourselves: what do I crave the most?
- Notice your body and your dreams. Our body keeps memories of the incidents of past and traumas while our dreams reveal unknown feelings through them.
Question to ask yourself: What is my body trying to say through the language of emotions? Who appears in my dreams? What do I do with them?
How do shadows form?
When we come into this world full of life, our souls get wounded repeatedly by those around us unknowingly. Due to this, we develop various wounds of neglect, unworthiness, toxic masculinity/femininity, shame, guilt. To deal with this pain, we learn to act in ways that are more acceptable in our society and end up hiding our unacceptable thoughts in our shadow selves.
What can you find in your shadow?
You can find in your shadow-
- The child in you
- Desires
- Grief
- Fear
- Suppressed behaviour and qualities
- Being too good
- Shame
- Anger
- Resistance
- Odd sexual behaviour
How can we heal our shadows through shadow work?
Recognise-
The first thing to do is to recognise your shadow. Pay close attention to how you are responding to every person and situation. Notice your repetitive thoughts: I can not do anything right, I am so dumb, who can possibly be interested in me, etc.
Once you recognise your shadow, notice the emotion inside your shadow- anger, guilt, shame, irritation, lust or a combination of various emotions. Then, start connecting those emotions with your past. Go farther back and trace the history of this pattern. Close your eyes and recall the time in your life when you experienced the same inner thoughts, emotions, or bodily sensations. Once you uncover the history and trace its roots, you will see that your reaction in the present moment is a reaction from the past. You will understand that the shadow is trying to protect you from that past.
Personify your shadow-
Think of your shadow element as another person. To personify the character visually, you might ask- Who is there at this moment? Is it a male or female character? Young or old? What does it feel? What does it need? Ask these questions to yourself to evoke an image in your mind. When you see that image coming through you, speak the feelings and emotions you are feeling in the moment loudly.
For example- How dare she tell me what to do! I am so angry right now.
Create distance-
As you progress further with the shadow work, it is necessary to create a distance between your shadow and yourself. Get to know that side of you as a well-wisher.
Example- I am here for you. I understand your feelings. You are so angry right now at your mom for always telling you what to do and thinking you are still a child.
Self observation-
Develop the capacity for self-observation. When you can witness your thoughts, feelings, and sensations with some detachment, you can experience them fully without allowing them to take over you.
Before you learn to self-observe, you get caught up with the emotions of the situation, and a temporary experience feels as if it becomes the whole person. Once you learn to self-observe, you will notice a shift in the words you use. Like:-
I am sad to I am feeling sad.
I am angry will become I am feeling anger.
Practising meditation-
Self-observation becomes possible when you tap into your own self. And, this is not possible without meditation. In the morning, after waking up, sit comfortably and close your eyes. Place your hands on your abdomen with the tips of your thumbs resting lightly just below your navel. Relax your jaw. Imagine a rope extending down from the sky passing through you to the centre of The Earth.
As you inhale through your nostrils, imagine the loving energy extending down the rope into your abdomen- passing to the centre of the Earth through the root chakra. As you exhale, imagine the compassionate energy returning to you. Allow the breath to move through your body naturally. After meditating regularly, you will notice it’s easier to calm down your mind, relax your body, settle your emotions, witness your shadows and deal with them more effectively.
Your goal, in the beginning, is to learn to witness the patterns of the shadow through self-observation and awareness. Be with the shadow rather than running away from it. You can use meditation to centre yourself and witness the character, thereby breaking your identification with it.
My choice–
When you notice the difference between your shadow and yourself, ask yourself for the available options and how you can respond more authentically- with more compassion and love for yourself and others. Ask yourself for the internal and external consequences your choices will have on yourself and others. You will feel more revitalised and, your shadow self will weaken up. After doing shadow work for a few months, you will become a self-directed, self-accepting and more empowered version of yourself.
Shadow work is not a one-time thing. It is a lifelong process, rich with endless discoveries, an essential part of the journey to full transparency and intimacy with all that we are. With time, shadow work becomes not just a work but a natural aspect of living life.
If you are interested, you can also read:
- Ways to cure depression and anxiety without medication, from HERE
- How can you heal your self-destructive behaviour from HERE